Til Death Do Us Part
by The Muse of Apollo
Summary: Set mid-Season 3. Castle drops life altering news on Beckett. How will this news affect their relationship? Angst. Lots of it. Rated T for language and adult themes. COMPLETE.
1. Chapter 1

**a.n. So I know I shouldn't be starting another story, but this idea just wouldn't leave me alone, so I'm getting it started. Not sure what kind of update schedule we're looking at here, so beware that there may be some gaps between updates.**

**This is set three weeks after the Season 3 two parter, Setup/Countdown. Josh is still in the picture, but not for long.**

**Also, I expect this to be 10 chapters, maybe 11 and an epilogue. There will be several time jumps as we go through. As the chapters progress, I will try to give you an idea of where they would be in canon by mentioning the cases they worked on. I doubt that I'll work Montgomery's betrayal/Kate's shooting into this story at all, but that's still undecided. Let me know what you think.**

**While it's a Castle-focused story, this is all going to be from Kate's POV, as we watch her struggle with the news Castle dumps on her, and how that news and the events afterward affect her feelings towards her author.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Castle.**

xxxx

Castle had been acting weird for two weeks. It had all started the week following the dirty bomb scare. At first she worried it was because of her and her relationship with Josh. She remembered the defeated look Castle had as he entered the elevator after the party that day. She had felt guilty, but still thought that Josh deserved a chance since he'd stayed in the country for her.

But that didn't seem to be the case, even though Castle adamantly strayed away from any conversation about her personal life. No, it had to be something else.

He was acting different, distant and quiet. Something was up. He'd had a doctor's appointment two weeks before, and had taken several days off from the precinct following that. She had a really bad feeling, and she couldn't quite put her finger on it.

Sitting at her desk that Monday doing paperwork, she waited for Castle to arrive with her coffee, all the while thinking about how to ask what was wrong with him without seeming to pry into his life.

She was brought out of her thoughts by a coffee cup appearing at her side. "Good morning, Detective."

"Morning, Castle. And thanks."

"Of course," he said, not smiling. "Listen, Kate, can we talk?"

_Oh no,_ Beckett thought. "Of course, what about?"

"Not here. Maybe the observation room? I don't want to be interrupted."

"Sure," she said, standing up with her coffee in hand. Was he going to stop shadowing her? Had he found a new muse? Was he leaving her for good? All these questions and more floated around her mind as they made their way to the observation room.

Letting him enter before her, she entered then closed and locked the door behind them. "What's going on, Rick," she asked, using his first name to show that she understood that this was a serious conversation. "You've been acting different these last couple weeks, are you going to tell me why?"

"Yes. You remember that doctor's appointment I had a couple weeks back?" he asked, looking her in the eyes.

"Yes." _Oh, God._

"I had been feeling really tired for a week before that, but I was unable to sleep. At first I thought it was because of the freezer and the bomb, but something just didn't feel right, you know? So I went to the doctor after talking with my Mother." At a look from Beckett, he added "Okay, so she made me go. Anyways, they couldn't find anything wrong, but they took some blood to run a batch of tests. I thought it was just something that would pass, but the doctor wanted to make sure. But they called me in a few days after that for some more tests."

"What did you find out," Kate asked after a minute of silence on his part.

"They…" he started to say something, but seemed to have a problem finding the words. "It's cancer."

Flopping down in the chair near the listening equipment, Kate began to shake her head in denial. He couldn't have cancer. He was the strongest person she knew. Castle never even got sick. How could he have cancer?

After a couple minutes of her just sitting there staring at him in shock, tears forming on her cheeks, he continued, "Lymphoma. I uh, found out yesterday, that's why I was out all afternoon. They want to do a round of Chemotherapy and Radiation therapy before attempting a surgery."

Tears burned the corners of her eyes as she digested this life altering news. She needed to know how bad it was. _It's cancer, Beckett,_ she thought to herself,_ it's always bad._

"Did they…did they say how severe it was?" she asked in a small voice.

Taking a seat in the other chair next to her, he said, "The doctor said that this is non-Hodgkin Lymphoma, which according to him has a 70 percent survival rate, with treatment. So there's a good chance that I'll be okay."

_Still 30 percent that he won't_ a small voice in her head said. "I don't really know what to say, Rick. I mean 'I'm sorry' means so little. What... what can I do?"

He smiled at her. "I'm going to need a lot of friendly support over the next six to eight months. The doctors say that even if I survive it, it will get much worse before it gets better. I…" he was silent for a few minutes before he reached out and took her hand, intertwining their fingers. "You're the best friend I've ever had, Kate. I'm going to need you to keep being that. Even as optimistic as I am, I expect that at some point I'll lose hope, even with my Mother and Alexis around to keep my spirits up. I'm going to need you there to make sure that when that happens I find that hope again."

Nodding, she said, "I'll twist your ear and make sure you remember." He laughed.

"That's exactly what I'll need. I…" he said, running his hands through his hair. "I won't be here as often. Between the effects of the cancer and the chemo and radiation, I won't have it in me to come to the station every day."

"That's okay, Rick. I'll come to you. We'll hang out, okay? I need to be around to keep your spirits high and make sure you don't get yourself into trouble." She would be there for him. He had promised her _always_, and she had promised the same. She needed him to know that she would be there for him through this difficult time. Still reeling from the news, she wondered how Martha and Alexis had taken the news. "Who have you told?"

"I've told the three most important women in my life, that's it. Paula doesn't know yet, but I'll be telling her today so that she can keep the press off my back. I'll tell the boys and Montgomery later today." _Three most important women? _Kate thought. _When did I become so important to him? _"There is something else that I need to ask of you, Kate."

Tightening her grip on his hand, she said, "anything."

Taking a deep breath, he ran his free hand through his hair again, looking away to gather his thoughts. "If…If something happens to me, if I don't beat it, I need you to be Alexis' guardian. I've talked it over with her and my Mother and they've both agreed that you'd be the best choice. She's 16 now, so it's not as if she's a baby, but she'll need someone to be there for her. My mother isn't the right choice. She's going on 70 years old and she's more grandmother material than mother material. Meredith isn't the right choice either for obvious reasons. So will you do this for me? For her?"

"Rick, I…" she said, fumbling over her words. Could she do this? She knew if he died, she would be a complete mess, almost as bad as she was after her mother's death. Would she be able to be there for Alexis? Would she be able to support his daughter through that tough time? _I already promised I would, _she realized. "Yes. But nothing is going to happen. I'll do it, but you need to fight this so I don't have to, you understand?"

Nodding, "I know. But just in case, right?" Standing up, he let go of her hand. "I need to tell the boys and Montgomery. Then I'm going to go back home. I'll try to come in tomorrow for a few hours before I go back to the doctor."

Standing up herself, she reached out and brought him in for a fierce hug. "You are the strongest person I know, Richard Castle. You will beat this, then you can come back and annoy me for hours on end. You have to beat this, you hear me? You promised me always, so don't you dare break that promise."

Hugging her back, he said, "I'll try."

Letting go of him, she wiped the tears off of her cheeks, trying to get ahold of her emotions. "You'll do better than try. If you go and die, I'll resurrect you then kill you myself. Lanie will help."

"Of course," he said, smiling.

They made their way out of the interrogation room after making sure they were presentable, both of them having shed some tears during their conversation. Kate felt like the world was spinning out of control. She had known it was something bad. She had just assumed that he was sick of following her. She had never thought that it could be something as serious as this. She couldn't fathom her world without this loving, caring, childish man. She needed him by her side. She needed him _always._

xxxx

_TBC…_

xxxx

**a.n.2. So I know that this may seem OOC for either of both of them from a conversation standpoint, but hopefully it will appear less so as I continue on. **

**I will apologize now for any medical inaccuracies you find in this story. I'm not a doctor or even in the medical profession. Any 'facts' come from internet research, and as you know it has to be true if it came from the internet. **

**April is National Cancer Control Month. If you want to find out how you can support Cancer research you can go to for more information.**

**Reviews are love.**


	2. Chapter 2

**a.n. Wow! The response to this story has been phenomenal! You people rock! Keep the reviews and follows coming!**

**This one gets even more angsty. I've jumped around in cannon here, so I hope that it isn't too confusing.**

**Disclaimer: Not even in an alternate universe of my own creation do I own Castle.**

**xxxx**

_Two Months After Diagnosis…_

She and Castle had been hanging out every day for the last two months. They had gotten a lot closer in that time. They had movie nights, game nights, even nights where they would just sit on his couch and read books. Of course she had long since come to enjoy his company, but this new closeness was something she found she really enjoyed.

Castle's treatment was going as well as could be expected given the circumstances. The doctors were going to have him continue both Chemo and Radiation for at least another month before making a decision on how to remove the cancerous cells. Castle had been fairly upbeat about everything up until about a month ago when he started to lose his hair. Kate had been there by his side when he'd had enough of it falling out, and had decided to just shave the rest of it off. She had told him, "_This is just another reason to fight this and win, Castle. You win, you get your hair back."_

Now she was going to ruin everything. Mike Royce was dead and she needed to bring his killer to justice. After getting kicked off the case, she made the decision to go to LA. She wasn't going to tell Castle where she was until she was there. Luckily she didn't need to worry about Josh who was out of the country for another couple weeks. Groaning as she sank into her Economy Class chair, she looked out the window and pondered what her first step should be once she got to LA.

She was brought out of her thoughts by a stewardess who said, "Excuse me, Detective Beckett? You've been upgraded to first class."

Frowning, she wondered how that could be possible, but decided to just go along with it without complaint. She should have known he would be the one responsible.

"Castle, what the hell are you doing here?"

"Hello to you too, Kate. Going rogue?"

"No, just on vacation."

He laughed at her. "You know for a detective who deals with people who lie on a daily basis, you are a terrible liar."

"I'll take that as a compliment, I guess," she huffed, as she flopped down in the seat next to him. Looking him over she saw that he was dressed in a blue button down and well-fitting black dress pants. His bald head gleamed in the overhead light. "What are you doing here, Rick?" she asked again.

"You are my partner. I know that I can't be as useful to you as I used to be, but you're going out to solve a crime that is personal. I'm going to be by your side while you do it."

She smiled. He really was a sweet man. "That's nice. Now which one of the boys called you?"

"Both of them." She laughed.

xxxx

They had a moment on the couch in their hotel room. She had come so close to leaning over and kissing him, but she had gotten scared. She couldn't cheat on Josh. But more than that, she couldn't start something with Castle now. If he died, she would be even more devastated if they were romantically involved. At least that's what she told herself. She wasn't sure she believed it anymore.

Castle had been extremely helpful on the trip, but she could tell that he needed to get some rest. He had postponed his next three treatment sessions to come with her, but he was still undergoing the effects of the drugs they had him on.

So when things got awkward, when she knew she couldn't go the direction her heart wanted her to go in, she ran and used his exhaustion as an excuse. Frowning he said nothing, he just wished her goodnight and made his way to his bedroom as she made her way to hers.

She really wished things weren't so complicated.

xxxx

They solved the case. On the plane she reread the note from Mike Royce at least six times. She knew that he was right. That she and Castle had something real. And she was hiding from it. But she couldn't stop. Maybe if he beat the cancer they could try.

With that thought she could almost hear Royce yelling at her about _If Onlys _and missed chances. She just didn't know what to do.

xxxx

_Two Weeks Later…_

"No! Let me go Castle!" Castle was carrying her out of the hanger. All she wanted to do was get back to where Roy Montgomery was going to give up his life. _For her._ She kicked and screamed. Begging Castle to put her down.

They had gotten a lead in her mom's case. And like she always did, she buried herself in the case. Only this time, Castle had been at home, weak and sick because of his cancer treatment, so he wouldn't be there by her side when she needed him. She had tried not to resent him for that. She had tried.

When he had come to her apartment the day before and asked her to walk away, she had gotten so angry with him. So angry that she had said some truly horrible things.

"_Kate, I want you to get justice. I really do. But you have to think about this. I need you to stay safe. You made me a promise. You promised that if something happened to me, you'd be there for Alexis. That can't happen if we're both dead."_

"_This is my life, Castle. Not yours. And I'll be fine. I need to do this. This is the most important thing in my life. I can't believe you're asking me to walk away. You know what this means to me."_

"_I'm not saying forever, Kate. Just until it's safe again."_

"_It's never going to be safe! Not until the bastard who did this to my mom is in the ground or in jail!"_

"_Listen to yourself, Beckett. You're not out for justice. You're out for revenge. That isn't you."_

"_You don't fucking know me!" She screamed. "You have no idea what I've been through. With your rich lifestyle, all the toys in the world and a perfect family! You have a perfect fucking life, and you just sit there and pretend to know who I am. You have no goddamn clue about who I am. You only think you do."_

_She could see how much that statement had hurt him, but she was too far gone to care. Too far gone to remember that this man might be dead in a couple months, and that his life wasn't anywhere near perfect. _

"_Maybe you're right, Kate. Maybe I don't know you. But I know you're more than this case. I know your mom would want you to live, not to die for something that will not bring her back. She deserves justice, Kate, but not at the cost of your life."_

_In a low growl, she said "Don't you dare bring my mother into this. You didn't know her. This is my life, and I will damn well do with it what I please. Now get out. I never want to see you again."_

And now here he was, weak and astonishingly sick, saving her life. She had treated him like shit. She had kicked him out of her life, told him she never wanted to see him again, and here he was protecting her against the side of her car. It was then that she knew without a doubt that he loved her.

xxxx

**a.n.2. So obviously I've decided to write in many of the events of season three. This is AU, though so I will play with the outcomes. **

**Again, I'll say I have no medical knowledge, so any inaccuracies are my own. **

**Please leave a review.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

Roy Montgomery was dead, and Kate had said unforgivable things to the man standing beside her. She had no idea where they went from here, but she knew she had to do better. She had to be better for him. He deserved a better friend than her.

As she gave her eulogy, she took a glance at him and found him looking at her, a mixture of pain, sadness and pride on his face. Even after her kicking him to the curb, and saying terrible things to him, he still stood beside her. He had still saved her life. She didn't deserve him.

She turned forward again and went to finish her speech when she suddenly found herself laying on the ground, Castle laying on top of her. At first she had no idea what had happened. Then she looked into the blue eyes of the man who had tackled her and found them flooded with panic. She vaguely remembered hearing the sound of a rifle before she had hit the ground.

"Kate are you alright? God, a sniper!"

He pulled himself up, and looked her over. She looked down, but didn't see anything wrong with her. Now knowing what had happened, she looked him over. She didn't see any blood, which was a good sign.

"Yeah. You saved me."

"God that was scary," Castle said, looking around. There were cops scattered all over the place, protecting the civilians in the crowd. Esposito was covering Lanie, who was fighting to get to where Kate still laid on the ground.

Rick looked back down at her. "You're sure you're not hit?"

"I'm good, Castle. Thank you." He helped her stand up. She brushed herself off, then looked into his eyes. "We should talk, Rick. After this, I mean."

He nodded. "Of course."

xxxx

"I'm sorry," she started. Everyone had cleared out, and they were the last two people at the cemetery. The boys had gone after collecting the evidence left behind by the shooter, even though it wasn't much. They had told her that they would call her as soon as they knew something. For now she had to try and make things right with Castle. "I said horrible things to you the other night. I didn't mean them, Rick. It was selfish of me to say those things. I'm so sorry."

He sighed. "It hurt. I think it's painfully obvious that I don't have a perfect life. But I know you were angry with me. So I'm sorry too."

"You don't need to apologize. You were right about it all. I do need to step away from this case. They will kill me if I don't. Hell they tried to do it again today. I'm done with this case for now. I need to be there for you. I want to be. And I can't do that and put my all into this case. You are more important than this."

His face softened as he smiled at her. "Thanks."

She took his hand in hers. "No. Thank you for saving my life. Again. You need to stop putting yourself in danger for me. I don't deserve it."

He huffed. "You really think I could live with you getting shot? Not a chance. Now, I've got to get to the doctor. They're going to prod me with some needles. "

"I'll take you. Do you have time to let me stop by my place first?"

"Of course."

xxxx

They got out of the elevator on her floor, talking about his upcoming treatment and how he was going about writing the next Nikki Heat book when she looked towards her door and found Josh waiting for her.

"Josh, what are you doing here? I thought you had to work today."

"Kate. What's he doing here?"

Scowling, "I have to take my uniform off and then I'm taking him to the hospital." The two of them had argued many times over the last two months. Almost all the arguments stemmed from her spending so much time with Castle. She hated jealous guys, and was quickly becoming sick and tired of Josh constantly berating her for spending time with her best friend, especially given what Castle was going through.

"Again? Can't he get someone else to do it? I took the day off to spend with you!"

"I attended a funeral this morning and I was almost killed by a sniper. I'm not in the mood right now. Now you should leave, so I can take Rick to the doctor like I promised."

"Kate, you can stay here. I can get there on my own. Really, I don't want to cause you any trouble," Castle said, looking back and forth between her and her boyfriend.

"No, Castle. Josh can leave. I'm going with you. Like I said, you're more important." She looked back at her boyfriend who she could tell was extremely angry, then pushed past him, dragging Castle inside with her. She closed the door before Josh could follow, and then made her way into her bedroom to change.

She knew that her relationship with Josh was going nowhere. She knew that before the dirty bomb scare. But she had given him a chance because he stayed in the country for her. Now she was seriously regretting not breaking up with him sooner. She cared about him. But she didn't love him, and she knew that she never would. Her heart belonged to someone else long before Josh came into her life. She just didn't know what to do about it.

xxxx

Castle was always weak after his doctor's appointments. The drugs they put into his system would sap his strength, and he would almost always need support in order to get out of the hospital and back home. Kate was happy to do this for him. He had always been there for her, and now it was her turn to be there for him. She felt even happier to do it after their fight. She needed to prove to him that she wasn't going anywhere, that she meant it when she said she'd be there by his side, always.

Getting him to the car was more difficult that day than it had before. She knew that part of it was his exertions over the last week: carrying her out of the hangar, diving and tackling her to save her from the sniper's bullet. Despite the pain and constant emotional crisis she knew he was going through, he had shown her time and time again that he was there for her, even when she didn't want him to be.

"It really took it out of me today," Castle said, as he finally got into her car. "It hasn't hit me like this since the first week. I feel so weak."

"You're doing great, Rick. It's going to be bad some days, they said that. Today's just a bad day."

"Yeah. Do you think we'll find the shooter?"

"I doubt it. If it was the man behind my mom's murder then I doubt there'll be any evidence at all."

"You'll be careful?"

"If there isn't any evidence, I'm going to let it go for now, like I said I would," she said. She could see how relieved he was.

"I know it's hard to leave it behind. But I think that eventually something will come up and we'll solve it. This case seems to only surface when we're not looking into it."

"Yeah. And thank you."

"For what?"

"For saying we. I need you by my side, Rick, even when I say otherwise. You're the only one who can keep me from going down that rabbit hole. Or at least has a chance of keeping me from that."

"That's what your dad said," he said, looking out the window as they made their way to his loft.

"You met my dad? When?"

"A few hours before our fight. He came over to ask me to step in and keep you from the case. He said he couldn't afford to lose you too."

She scowled at this information, but said nothing.

"Montgomery asked me to do it too. Only God knows why they thought I could get through to you. I pretty much knew going into your apartment that night what would happen."

"At least I'm predictable," she grumped.

"Always stubborn. But don't worry. We know you for it and love you for it, and wouldn't want you any other way," he said, a small smile gracing his face despite the tired lines around his eyes.

"Thanks, I think."

xxxx

After she got him settled and made sure he was comfortable in his bed, she kissed his forehead and said her goodbyes. She wanted to check in with the boys before she went home and tried to forget this terrible day. She could almost feel a breakdown coming. She had been so close to dying, and she would have if it hadn't been for Castle.

After calling Ryan, who told her about the gun and the DNA testing that they were doing, she made her way to her apartment. When she exited the elevator on her floor, she was confronted with an agitated Josh for the second time that day.

"Josh, what are you doing here?" She asked, exasperated.

"We need to talk, Kate."

She knew what she needed to do. She didn't have the energy for it, but it had to be done.

"Fine."

She walked up behind him, and entered her apartment, leaving the door open for him to follow.

"Why are you even helping him?" Josh asked, before she could even sit her purse down or rid herself of her jacket.

"How can you even ask that? He's my best friend. He might die! How can you even call yourself a doctor? Where's your compassion?"

"I'm not saying you can't feel bad for him, Kate. But you spend every damn day with him. We haven't been on a date in weeks. You barely answer my calls anymore, and when we do see each other we always argue."

"Because you're jealous," she said, pointing her finger at him, trying to keep her voice level. This was getting out of hand fast.

"Yes. I am jealous that my girlfriend, who I love, spends all her time with another man."

"Who has cancer! Jesus, Josh!" she shouted, throwing her hands up. "What the hell is wrong with you? He's one of the most important people in my life. Of course I'm there by his side. How can you be so selfish?"

"Selfish? How dare you even say that! I spend my days helping people! I'm not selfish."

"So what, you help people and you're a hero, I help someone and I'm a bitch is that it?"

Shaking his head he said, "All I want to know is why you can't spend some time with me. Aren't I important to you? Aren't I important enough to let Castle be on his own for a day so we can spend some time together?"

"Honestly? Right now, Castle is more important than you. He needs me. And if I'm honest, I need him too. I'm sorry, Josh. Really. I'm sorry that you feel like I've abandoned you, but this is important to me. I need to be there for him. I thought you could see that. But I don't think you can.

"And how can you stand there and yell at me for not being around enough when you spend months on end in another country? You're such a fucking hypocrite."

He stood there in front of her, taking a step closer. "Kate." His voice was low, and she could tell that this was about to get worse unless she put her foot down.

She held up her hand to stop his advance and his speech. "I'm sorry, Josh. But this isn't working. I thought we had a chance after you came back for me, but I dislike jealousy. It shows that you don't trust me, and I will not be in a relationship with someone who doesn't trust me. I think we've both known this was over for several weeks now. I'm sorry. You should go."

A look of defeat came over his features. "Fine." He stalked back to the door but before he stepped through, he turned back and said, "I hope he makes you happy, Kate. I hope that he lives and that you let him in." Then he was gone.

xxxx

**a.n.2. So there goes Josh. It wasn't as explosive as I'd like it to have been, but this is the way it turned out. I've had some complaints about where this story is going. I know that I've been focusing on some of the events of canon and not a lot on Castle's cancer. But in many ways this is Kate's journey not Castle's. This is how his disease affects her, so it will be focused more on what she's going through than what he is. Which is why it's from her POV and not his. **

**Let me know what you guys think by leaving a review. **


	4. Chapter 4

**a.n. Thanks to all the reviewers out there. You guys are the best. I'm sorry as always if I didn't reply to you individually. I read every single one, but I don't always have time to reply. Thanks to all of you.**

**This one is short, but important.**

**Disclaimer: According to TVline, Stana is close to signing on for season 8. Wouldn't it suck if they both sign and then ABC doesn't renew it? I'd be so angry then that I don't own Castle. **

**xxxx**

**Chapter Four**

_Five Weeks Later…_

The night before Castle's surgery, Beckett was laying wide awake in her bed thinking about the next day. She had taken the rest of the week off from work in order to not only go to the hospital with him, but to ensure he handled everything afterward.

The doctors would do the surgery, and then would have Castle come in the following week to ensure they got all the cancerous cells. She had a feeling that the next two weeks might be the hardest weeks of Castle's life. She also knew that it would be hard on her too. She needed him to be okay.

Over the weeks since the attempt on her life and Roy's death, she had spent every free moment with Castle and his family. She often took time off of work to take him to the doctor, and she almost always went to his loft to spend time with him after she wrapped up her day. There were only a few times where she hadn't been able to be by his side during a doctor's appointment.

The Chemo and Radiation therapies had progressively sapped his strength over the last few weeks, and she had spent a lot of time trying to ensure he wouldn't lose hope. For the last week of the therapies, he had spent most of the days in bed, too weak to do anything but go to the bathroom.

She thought back on their time together since she had broken things off with Josh. She knew that she loved Castle. She knew it like she knew her own name. But she was scared. Scared that he would die and leave here behind. She knew it was selfish. She knew that denying them both happiness even if it were for only a little while was a terrible thing to do. But her fear always won out. She had even talked it over with Lanie the previous week.

"_Girl, what are you doing down here so early," Lanie said as Kate walked into the morgue._

"_Need some girl talk," she said as she sat down in the chair next to Lanie's desk._

"_Well you came to the right place. Now spill. What did Castle do this time?"_

"_Nothing. It's me."_

"_What's wrong with you?"_

"_I'm in love with him, Lanie," Kate whispered. _

_Lanie squealed. "It's about damn time. Have you told him?"_

"_No."_

_Scowling now, "Why the hell not? Girl, I'mma smack you."_

"_I'm being stupid. What if he dies? Lanie? What if we get together and he dies. Won't that be worse for both of us?"_

"_Kate, are you even listening to yourself? That's the dumbest excuse for running away from love I've ever heard. You told me he's going to have his surgery next week, right? It might all be over then. You've lost so much time already. Are you really willing to lose more of it? That man adores you. He worships the ground you walk on. I'm not saying you have to go out and get married tomorrow, but denying yourself and him happiness is not only stupid, it's incredibly selfish."_

"_I know. I know. But what do I do?"_

"_Well walking up to him and kissing him should work. Then use your words."_

"_Yeah."_

"_No really. Repeat after me: I love you, Castle," Lanie said, changing her voice to sound more like Beckett._

_Kate glared at her._

"_Have you ever said the words out loud, Kate?"_

"_No. Why would I?"_

"_It might do you a world of good."_

Now, lying in bed a week later she wondered if Lanie was right. _Lanie always thinks she's right,_ she thought ruefully.

"I love you, Castle," she whispered. "I love you."

xxxx

The next morning she got a call from Castle. He sounded distressed when she had picked up the phone.

"Beckett."

"Kate."

"What's wrong Castle?" She could tell from that one word that something was going on.

He let out a sob. "I'm…I'm scared."

_Oh, Castle. _"Rick. It's going to be fine. You hear me? They are going to go in, get the stuff out and you'll be back to yourself in no time."

"But…"

"No," she interrupted. "No buts. It's going to be fine. Listen, I'm going to come over now, okay? We can talk."

"No! I…I don't want you to see me like this." She had never heard him so emotional. Her Castle never cried. He never sounded so…defeated.

"Okay," she said, knowing that if that's what he wanted it was best to give it to him. "Don't be scared. It's going to be okay. The doctor's say that the surgery is safe enough, and that they are confident that they'll get all the cancerous cells out on their first try."

He sighed. She could tell he was still crying, but was trying to reel it in.

"It's going to be okay, Rick, really. I promise." She was still really bad at these pep talks, but she knew that he wouldn't have wanted to burden either his mother or his daughter with this conversation.

"I know. Thanks Kate. I'll see you in a few hours?"

"Yeah. You're going to do great, Rick. The hard part is already out of the way. Now it's just up to the doctors."

xxxx

Kate sat nervously in the waiting room for hours waiting to hear how it went. She was surprised at how well both Martha and Alexis were handling the whole situation. Castle had made sure that they kept to their usual schedules over the last couple months. He hadn't wanted to disrupt their lives because of his illness. He had made them promise. They hadn't liked it, but Kate understood. She knew that he was preparing them to be as normal as possible if he didn't make it. Even when facing this terrible thing, he was thinking about his family.

It had meant that several times over the last couple months, he had made his way to the doctors on his own when Kate wasn't available to take him. She had felt guilty on those occasions because she wasn't there for him, but he had always understood. _He always understands,_ she thought as she sat there beside Alexis waiting for the doctors to come out and let them know what had happened.

The surgery had went well. When she finally got to go back to see him, she almost burst into tears at the relief that he was still with her. _I have to tell him. I have to tell him soon. _

"Hey, Castle," she said as she came up beside him.

"Kate," he said, smiling. "You were right. It went okay."

"I'm always right," she said, smirking, trying to lighten the mood. She wiped away the tears on her face, hoping he wouldn't notice.

"Hey. Don't cry. I'm alright."

"I know. I'm just so glad. I…" _I need to tell him…_ "I'm just so glad you're okay. I know I sounded strong before, but I was worried too." _Chicken._

"Well, now we wait a week and see if they got it all. If they did, no need to be worried any more, right?"

She smiled at him and squeezed his hand. "Yep. It's going to be nice to see you at the precinct everyday again soon. We miss your crazy theories."

"I knew it! I knew the only reason you kept me around was for the CIA theories."

"You got me," she said, hoping that he would get the double meaning.

"Thank you, Kate," he said, after a moment's silence.

She cocked her head to the side, and asked, "For what?"

"For being there. For standing by my side. I…I don't know that I could have done this by myself."

"You would have done the same for me, but, you're welcome. I'd say _Always_ but I hope that we never have to go through this again."

"God me either. The doctors seem hopeful that they got all of it."

"Well then let's hope we only have to come back here one more time."

"That'd be nice."

She had chickened out again. She'd had the opportunity to tell him the truth, to tell him that she was madly in love with him, and still she couldn't say the words. _I'm such a coward,_ she thought.

xxxx

**a.n.2. Reviews make you awesome. So leave a review.**


	5. Chapter 5

**a.n. So this chapter is very angsty guys. You all knew it would get worse before it got better, right? You're going to hate the ending.**

**Disclaimer: It's probably for the best that I do not own Castle.**

xxxx

A week later, Kate Beckett sat in a hospital waiting room, waiting for Richard Castle to emerge from his doctor's appointment. This was the day that Castle would know if he was cancer free. To say she was nervous would the understatement of the century.

Over the last week, she had continued to berate herself for not telling Rick how she felt about him. Every time she thought she could do it her courage failed her. Deep down she knew why she couldn't say it out loud. She knew that if those words were out there, they couldn't be taken back. She knew that once he knew how she felt, they would be in this forever.

And that scared her. It scared her because she wasn't ready for forever. It scared her because she wasn't sure he had forever to give her.

After sitting in the waiting room for over two hours, Kate began to get worried. This was supposed to be a simple doctor's visit, what could be taking so long?

She nervously stood up and started pacing. She needed to do something, anything to relieve the tension that had coiled in her body. About fifteen minutes later, she stopped midstride when she saw Castle come out of the double doors.

He looked terrible. He looked defeated. Her heart dropped, immediately knowing that whatever news he had received wasn't good.

She quickly approached him and wrapped her arms around him in a tight hug. It took a few moments, but eventually he wrapped his arms around her waist and squeezed. When she pulled back she realized that he was crying.

"Oh, Rick, what happened?"

He shook his head, apparently not able to get the words out. She took his hand and led him out of the building and towards her car.

Once she got him in, she turned towards him again, hoping that he'd tell her what was going on.

He sighed and wiped away the tears. "They didn't get it all. They…they found more," he whispered.

_Oh, God._ Tears started forming in her eyes, knowing that this was the worst possible news.

"What…what all did they say?" she asked, wishing for even a shred of hope.

"They want to do another round of chemo and radiation, and then if that goes well they'll try another surgery. They said it's very unlikely, though that I'll get that far."

"Don't listen to them, Rick. You got through it this time; you'll do it again. And this time you'll get it all," she said, sounding much more confident than she actually was. She needed him to be okay.

He nodded, not looking convinced. "Take me home, Kate. I…I need to tell Mother and Alexis."

xxxx

She sat by his side when he told his mother and daughter. She sat there holding his hand as he described the news he had received not an hour earlier. But she didn't hear all the words. Occasionally words like _most likely terminal_ would seep through the fog that had penetrated her brain, which would only cause her to sink deeper within herself.

She saw Martha and Alexis come forward and hug the man they loved more than anything, saw the tears streaming down their faces, and saw the fear in their eyes as they digested the terrible news.

Over the last week they had remained hopeful and upbeat. Now, that hope seemed to be gone entirely as their world tilted on its axis.

They all sat there with him for the next hour, each in turn trying to bolster his spirits. Kate shook herself to help, knowing that he would need her to still be there by his side as he continued to fight for his life.

Rick convinced Alexis and Martha to continue their day. Like he always has, he put their needs first. Kate sensed that he just wanted to be alone, but she's not sure she can leave him yet.

After Alexis and Martha leave and it's just the two of them, she scooted closer to him on the couch and squeezed his hand.

"It's going to be okay, Rick, you'll see."

"You don't know that."

"No. But I know you. I know that you'll do everything in your power to stick around for Alexis."

"I'll try. I'll try."

She squeezed his hand again, trying her best to comfort him when she had no clue how she could make this better for him.

They sat there in silence for several minutes before Rick said, "You know, this has all made me think about everything in my life that I've put off. Made me think about the things I was too scared to do."

"Like a bucket list?"

He smiled for the first time that day and turned a little more towards her. "Yeah. Kind of." He sighed. She could tell he was trying to come up with words to express himself. "There is no easy way to say this, Kate, and I…I apologize for my horrible timing, but you should know."

"Know what?" she asked, her stomach churning with trepidation. They never did this. They didn't talk like this. She wasn't ready.

"I should have told you before. But it was never the right time. There was always something in the way. I don't think I can wait any longer. You need to know. I…I love you, Kate."

_Why is he telling me this now? I can't handle this. I love him too, but I'm not ready yet. _Shocked by his confession, Kate didn't know what she should do. _No, I know what I should do,_ she thought to herself, her heart screaming to just say the words back to him. She knew she should. It might be her last chance.

But like it always does, Kate Beckett's brain got in the way, and her flight or fight instincts kicked in. Without saying a word to the love of her life, she ran out of the loft, never looking back.

**xxxx**

**a.n.2. - I'll say this: it might be OOC, but not a lot. But they're both going through this together, and it's affecting them in ways that are unpredictable. I think Kate would build her walls higher and stronger, which is why she's unable to say the words. She's protecting herself from the loss she expects to come. It's what she does. She runs.**

**Reviews please!**


	6. Chapter 6

**a.n. Wow. People really didn't like that last chapter. Sorry? Apparently there's been too much angst. Though I did warn you guys. It's right in the description of the story. "Angst. Lots of it." So my response to the guest reviewers who are too cowardly to log in: Deal with it or don't read it.**

**Disclaimer: Bet you're even gladder now that I don't own Castle.**

**xxxx**

She had ruined everything. She had sat there in his living room, listened to him tell her that he loved her and then ran away. She knew that this was it for them. There was no coming back from this. How could he ever forgive her? He had probably sat there thinking that she didn't love him back. How selfish could she be? The man was dying, and she couldn't even tell him the truth?

She sat in her apartment two days after she had last seen Castle, sobbing and going over her regrets in her mind over and over. She had sat in that same spot for hours on end hating herself for being so selfish, for being such a coward.

Several times she had thought about calling him, even going so far as to pick up her phone. But she couldn't do it. He deserved better than what she could give him. All she ever did was hurt him, and she did it on one of the worst days of his life. So she didn't call him. She couldn't. It'd be better if she just faded away, never to see him again.

She hoped he would live, to find happiness and love with someone better and stronger than she could be. He deserved nothing less.

xxxx

A few hours later she was brought out of her sorrows by a harsh knock on her door.

Sighing, she got up and ambled over to the door and peeked through the peephole. She would know that long red hair and those blue eyes anywhere. _Alexis._

Her first instinct was to hide. Of course it was. But she knew that it wouldn't do any good, though. She knew the person on the other side of the door would just continue to persist until she had her say. So she opened the door tentatively, and greeted her guest.

"Hi, Alexis," she said in a small voice.

"Detective Beckett," Alexis said in a cold voice. Kate shivered. She could hear the disgust in the young woman's tone.

Kate moved aside, knowing that she deserved whatever this young woman threw at her. She deserved much worse.

Alexis entered Kate's apartment and paused by the couch. She spun around to face the detective, a mask of fury, hurt, and disgust on her face.

"You have a choice to make, Detective," the redhead said softly, her voice not betraying the emotions obviously swirling inside her. "Do you love him? Or Not?"

Kate, of course, knew the answer. She did. She loved him. But she ruined everything. She knew it didn't matter anymore. It was over.

She flopped down on the couch and buried her head in her hands. "I do, Alexis, but it doesn't matter."

"What do you mean it doesn't matter?" Alexis says, her voice getting louder.

"I ruined everything. There's no way he can forgive me for this. I ran out after he told me he loved me. Who does that? How can I be this messed up? I should be there for him. I should have told him the truth."

"What's the truth? Say it out loud, Kate. Say the damn words."

Kate stood up suddenly and faced the young girl. "I love him, dammit!" she yelled. "But it doesn't matter. It's over. I can't fix this. I can't. I ruined everything, and now he's going to die, and I will have made his last few months on earth worse instead of better."

Alexis stood there for a minute, completely shocked by the detective's outburst. "He's not going to die," she said after a minute, her voice unsteady, tears falling down her cheeks.

"You don't know that. If he lives, and I hope he does, he deserves better than me. He should find someone who isn't as broken as I am, someone… someone who can love him back without hurting him so damn much."

"Is that your choice? You choose to run away?" Alexis yelled, her eyes blazing with hatred. "I thought I knew you! I thought you were strong. I've looked up to you for years! My dad called you extraordinary. He told me once that you could do anything you set your mind to. And now you're what? Giving up? You've given up on him after everything he's done for you? How could you do that? How could you?"

Alexis stormed out of the apartment, slamming the door behind her. Kate flopped back down on her couch, sobbing, wondering what the hell she had done.

xxxx

Three days later Kate found herself in Lanie's morgue, waiting for her friend to finish a phone call. For the first time in her career, Kate had taken a full week off of work due to personal issues. She had tried to go back to work two days after the mess with Castle had happened, but she couldn't focus, so she had asked for some leave. Luckily Gates had approved it.

Now she needed some girl talk.

"Alright, girl, spill," Lanie said, after hanging up the phone.

"I messed up, Lane," Kate whispered, ducking her head so the ME couldn't see the tears streaming down her face.

"Messed what up, sweetie?"

"Castle told me he loved me." A smile started to appear on Lanie's face. "I couldn't say it back."

"What? Why?"

"I don't know! I got scared," Kate said, exasperation coloring her tone. She got up from where she sat on one of the empty autopsy tables and started to pace. "He got the news that his cancer had spread, and then he told me he had too many regrets. Then he said the words, and I just, I don't know, freaked out. I couldn't even say a word, so I just ran."

"What do you mean you ran?"

"I just left him in his loft and went back to my apartment and cried for two days straight."

"So let me get this right," Lanie said, running a hand over her forehead. "Castle told you that he loves you, and instead of telling him that you love him back, which you do, you just ran away, leaving him there thinking that you don't love him back?"

Kate let out a sob and sat back down before she nodded.

"Oh, girl, I ought to smack you for being so damn stupid." Lanie stood up from her chair and walked over to her best friend. "So what are you going to do?"

"I don't know," Kate said, trying to get her breathing under control and the tears to stop.

"What do you want to do?"

"I…I want to be with him. I want him to know that I love him."

"So go tell him that."

"How? There's no way he'll listen to me now. I broke his heart by running away from him. How can he ever forgive me for that?"

"Kate, that man loves you, and he is the most forgiving man I have ever met. He has stood by your side through so damn much, even when you were rubbing your relationships with other men in his face. He was there. He was _always_ there for you. Now it's your turn."

_Now it's my turn,_ Kate thought, wiping at her eyes.

xxxx

It took her another day to gather her courage. Standing outside the door to his loft, she nervously shifted from one foot to another, waiting for him to answer the door.

After several minutes, she knocked again. She had called Alexis to let her know that she was coming, so she knew that Castle was alone inside, supposedly writing.

"Castle!" Kate shouted, knocking for the third time. After another minute, she decided that she'd just let herself in. She was going to talk to him. If he still wanted her, he could have her. She was his. If he didn't…well then she would deal with it, knowing that she could only blame herself. She took out the key he had given her, and unlocked the door.

The loft was dark, except for a couple lights in the kitchen. She shut the door behind her and called out for him again. Not hearing any answer she looked towards his study. The door was open, and the room dark and empty. Figuring he must have gone to bed, she started to make her way towards his bedroom when she spotted something lying on the floor in the kitchen.

It was Castle.

She rushed to his side. "Castle!" She knelt down beside him. His skin was pale and his lips blue. Panicking, she felt for a pulse. Breathing a small sigh of relief when she found a weak beat, she pulled out her phone and dialed 911.

"Come on, Castle, wake up for me," she sobbed, after hanging up with the dispatcher. "Please, you can't do this. Not now. Please."

She needed him to be okay. She loved him. She couldn't lose him now. She loved him.

xxxx

**a.n.2. I promise that from here on out, the skies will be a bit less cloudy. Please leave a review and let me know what you think. If you leave a negative review, sign in so we can talk!**

**M**


	7. Chapter 7

**a.n. So I know I promised less cloudy skies, but this one gets worse for a bit. It ends well though. Every character hits rock bottom at some point. We've seen Kate hit hers. Now it's Castle's turn.**

**Just FYI, I have no clue what the Nikki Heat books are about or how the relationship between Nikki and Rook develops. So what follows is probably completely wrong. Just go with it, okay?**

**Thanks for the reviews people! Now, on to the story. Hold on to your butts. (Extra Credit if you can name the movie that came from).**

**Disclaimer: Even if I owned Castle, it wouldn't have been this angsty.**

**xxxx**

Kate sat in the waiting room with Martha and Alexis. After they had gotten settled in the uncomfortable chairs, Martha had pulled Kate aside and handed her a stack of papers.

"What's this, Martha?" Kate asked, confused.

"The last Nikki Heat novel. You should read it. It'll give you an idea of what you'll walk into if he makes it through this."

Over the next four hours, Kate decided to read the novel. At first she wasn't really interested in doing so, since she didn't want to take her mind off of Castle's current status. But she was curious as to why Martha wanted her to read it now. So she read.

She was about three quarters of the way through the best novel Castle had ever written when the doctor walked in and called out his name. The doctor told them that he'd had an allergic reaction to the new medication they had placed him on the previous week.

"Can we see him," Alexis asked after the doctor had finished alerting them of Castle's condition.

"In a couple hours. We need to monitor him to make sure everything is out of his system before we allow anyone in the room. I'll send someone to get you as soon as we feel he can have visitors."

They sat back down and breathed a collective sigh of relief. Castle was going to weather this storm. Kate had been so worried about him after finding him unconscious on his kitchen floor. She had worried that she had once again failed him, that he would die before she could tell him how she really felt. She worried that she had left him behind to die alone.

Kate decided that she would try to finish the book before she went to see Castle. She figured she had nothing else to do, and it kept her from dwelling on the upcoming conversation with Rick or the fact that Alexis hadn't said a word to her the entire time they'd been at the hospital. She really didn't blame the girl. She'd been horrible to her father, and Kate had deserved everything Alexis had thrown at her that day in her apartment. She knew that she would have to somehow repair that relationship if she was going to ever have a future with Richard Castle.

It took another two and half hours for her to get to the last chapter of the book. The tone of the book had changed about ten chapters from the end. She could almost see how it had happened. The first bulk of chapters were happy and hopeful, or at least as happy and hopeful as a murder mystery could be. Then it changed. It got darker, and the relationship between Nikki and Rook got bumpier. Nikki started to pull in on herself and bury herself in her work. Rook, despite his efforts to claw his way through her walls, found himself left out in the cold.

Despite Nikki's retreat from their physical and personal relationship, Rook still stood by her side. By the time Kate got to the penultimate chapter, Nikki had started to hint that she wanted Rook out of her life. She wasn't very subtle. Rook, of course being the literary representation of Richard Castle, refused. She could see how Castle had given up all hope of any relationship between them in real life. He was crafting the destruction of their fictional counterparts. Even with all that, she didn't realize the depths of his despair until she read the ending.

The two had been called out to a new scene, and had fought the entire way. They hadn't seen each other outside of the precinct in several weeks, and Nikki just wanted out, but Rook wouldn't budge. Her reasoning was that she couldn't ever let him in. She knew that he deserved better than a broken woman like her, so she pushed him away. But Rook was having none of it. They had continued to bicker as they walked through the crime scene. Their bickering was so distracting that they didn't see a man from the crowd pull a gun. By the time Nikki knew what was happening, Rook lay on his back, a bullet hole in his throat.

Castle had killed Rook. He'd killed himself in their story. By the time she read the last words of the story, read the devastation that Nikki felt for the man she loved, her tears were flowing down her cheeks and she was fighting back sobs. Before she had walked out on him, before he knew that his cancer had spread, he had been planning a happy ending for their literary counterparts. They had talked about it.

She had hurt him so bad. She had left him after he had received some of the worst news of his life, and she had done so because she was a coward. Now that she knew how he had felt after her flight, she didn't know if she could fix it. She wanted to, but she also wanted to do what was best for Castle. _It's time to put him first,_ she thought.

She was brought out of her thoughts by Martha clearing her throat. "He's given up hope. Not only for a relationship with you, but on life itself."

"And it's my fault," Kate whispered.

Martha gave her a sympathetic look. "Not all your fault, darling, but some of it is. I can't sugar coat it for you. I know my son, but what he's going through is changing him. Normally he's the most hopeful person in the world; optimistic almost to a fault. But now…now he just doesn't see a way out. I doubt that this outlook is going to get any better with this latest situation."

Kate sighed. "What do I do?"

"Be there for him. Tell him the truth. Apologize if he'll let you. Don't give up on him."

Beckett nodded, running her fingers over the front page of the manuscript she still clung to. They were silent for several minutes, both older women lost in their thoughts.

"Family of Richard Castle?"

The three women stood up, and approached the nurse who had said his name. It was time to see Castle.

xxxx

Kate sat in the chair beside Rick's hospital bed as he slept. The doctors had said he would wake up soon, but Kate was still worried. It was just past nine at night and Martha and Alexis had decided to go home for the night. Kate had promised to call them as soon as Castle woke up.

She sat in the uncomfortable chair staring at his face and holding his hand. She thought about the conversation they would have. She knew she needed to tell him she loved him. She worried he wouldn't believe her. She worried she was too late, that she messed up too badly.

She was brought out of her thoughts when his hand moved. Snapping he eyes back to his face, she found a pair of blue eyes staring back at her.

"Kate," he said, his voice weak from disuse.

"Castle!" Kate said excitedly, so happy that he was alive and awake. She reached for a cup of water on the bedside table and helped him take a small sip.

"Thanks," he said, closing his eyes against the harsh glare of the hospital room. "Why are you here?"

_Here we go,_ Kate thought. "I'm sorry, Rick. I reacted poorly to your words the other day," she said, scrunching her nose up at the poor choice of words. She was so bad at this. But she knew she needed to find the words.

"It's okay."

"What?! It's not okay, Castle. It's not okay for me to treat you like that, not when I…not when I love you too."

"You shouldn't."

Kate looked at him feeling completely shocked. She shouldn't love him? What did that even mean? "What?"

"You shouldn't love me, Kate. You were right to not say it back that day. I shouldn't have said it. It was a mistake."

_A mistake…_

"You…you didn't mean it? You don't love me?" she asked in a small voice, not knowing if she wanted to know the answer.

"No, of course I did. I do love you. I have forever it seems. But…it was a mistake to say that to you when I did. To put you in a situation where you would have to become even more emotionally involved with a man…with a man who will be dead in a matter of weeks. It wasn't fair to you, Kate. I'm sorry." Even with the emotion swirling behind his words, his voice was still weak. He was still talking, "You should find someone who will be here for you, always. I…I won't be. You deserve to be happy, not dragged through hell because of me."

Even though he was sick, and his loss of hope was at least partially her fault, her temper got the best of her. She couldn't control the anger in her voice when she shouted, "Don't you dare give up on me like that, Richard Castle! Don't you dare! You are **not** going to die. I will not be left alone here loving you. I will not."

"Kate…"

"No. I know it's hard. And I've made it harder because of my selfishness, but I will not sit here and allow you to give up on life. Don't you dare," she said emphatically. Breathing hard she stood up from the damned uncomfortable chair, placed both of her hands on his cheeks and kissed him, hard.

**xxxx**

**a.n.2. So now we're going to start seeing some sun. Four more chapters left probably. **


	8. Chapter 8

**a.n. So I got blocked on this story. The original plan was to do a couple chapters as them as an official, a chapter where Kate and Alexis make up, and then a final conclusion. But it just didn't fit in with the angst of the story.**

**So I changed it. This chapter has a time jump in the middle. Since it's been a while, remember that this story isn't so much about Castle's battle with cancer as it is how that battle affects the relationship between our two lovebirds.**

**Also, I felt a sudden change from 'OMG that's sad' to 'OMG They're together and happy' was unrealistic. From the reviews I got, many people thought that Castle's reaction in the last chapter was unusual, and not strong enough. I agree. **

**Now on with the story.**

**Disclaimer: No I do not own Castle, nor do I ever expect to.**

**xxxx**

When she pulled back for air, she could see by the look on his face that kissing him wasn't as convincing as she'd hoped it would be. He hadn't kissed her back. She thought that with her words and her actions he'd at least give her a chance.

"Rick?" She asked quietly.

"No, Kate. I just can't. I won't give up, you're right, but I just can't be with you. At least not yet."

"Why?"

He sighed and looked towards the window that graced one side of his hospital room. "Two reasons I guess," he started after being quiet for nearly a minute. "First is that even if I fight this, I don't know if I'll win. I can't hurt you like that. Second, and most importantly, you hurt me. I bared my heart to you after receiving some really shitty news, and you just up and walked away. I want to forgive you for that. I want to rationalize it and say that it was my fault, and maybe it was. I want to say it was a mistake.

"But, I don't know that I can. It might be that we're both at fault. Whatever. It hurt more than anything watching you walk out that door. I didn't know what it meant. Did it mean you don't love me back? Or that you couldn't love someone with a death sentence? It felt like I meant nothing to you at that moment, and that hurt more than any cancer diagnosis.

"Now you're here, telling me that you love me and you want me to fight," he said, getting more and more upset. "You're here, and I can't believe you. I almost died last night. How do I know you're not just saying it because of that, huh? How do I know you're telling the truth?"

Kate couldn't hold back the tears. His words hit her like slaps across the face. Over and over again the words hit her, and even though she knew she deserved it, it still hurt. "I love you, Rick, I do. I did then too. I…I can't explain why I walked away other than I was scared. Scared that if I said it back it would make it harder if I lost you. Scared that if I said it back and you live that it'd change everything. I was selfish. All I thought about was myself, and I just reacted. There is no excuse for it.

"But I do love you," she whispered, taking his hand. "Please believe me."

"I want to," he said, looking up at her. "But I don't know if I can."

"Rick," she whispered, wondering how she could have fucked this up so bad. It was all her fault.

"I think we need some time apart," he said, interrupting her. "Just for a while. Let me see if I can get better. Then…then we'll see."

She knew right away that this was the best that was going to happen. So she gave his hand a squeeze and nodded. "I'm sorry, so sorry, Rick. I love you."

Then she got up from where she had been sitting and walked out of the room, not knowing if she'd ever see him alive again. She didn't think she would.

xxxx

_**Six months later…**_

Hanging up the phone, she quickly wiped the tears from her cheeks. She'd just finished a grueling conversation with Alexis. Castle had had his surgery earlier in the day, and would know if he was cancer free in a few days.

Over the last six months Alexis had been her source of information, though Kate couldn't understand why the girl continued to keep her up to date. It hadn't made any sense until she'd asked the young woman why she was doing it.

"_Alexis, why did you keep sending me this information? You dad doesn't want anything to do with me," she'd asked after Alexis had given her the information on Castle's surgery._

"_He might not now, but __**when**__ he beats this he will. I know he loves you detective, and he will forgive you. Even though I don't understand it, he will take you back. Even though I don't want him to. So you deserve to know what's going on."_

"_You're never going to like me again are you?"_

"_No," Alexis said simply. Kate sighed, knowing she deserved that answer. "Do you love him, Detective?"_

"_Yes. More than life itself. I will never forgive myself for ruining the best thing to ever happen to me."_

"_If that's true, then you have my blessing if he takes you back. I don't like it, and you don't deserve him and you never will, but he loves you. Just don't hurt him again."_

"_If he gives me another chance, I promise."_

Unfortunately, she didn't have Alexis' optimism on the subject. Kate was positive that after six months of no contact between them that she and Castle were finished.

It had been a rough time for her, even with the frequent updates from Alexis. Kate had been unusually surly at work, and had driven her friends and partners away. She'd been so distracted that she'd almost gotten herself shot more than once. It was after the third such incident that Gates had pulled Kate into her office and suspended her for sixty days.

She hadn't fought the suspension, because she didn't care. Her job, her life, had no meaning without Castle. She knew that now. It had been a lonely, depressing six months, and she knew that it was all her fault. She could take responsibility for it all now.

Now she just had to wait. She had gone back to work a month previously, but Gates still had her on desk duty, not trusting her to go out into the field. She wasn't eating; she wasn't sleeping. Slowly, the waiting, the expectation of a phone call that would end her life, was killing her. She knew, she just knew that one of these phone calls from Alexis would be the one she had been dreading for over a year. The call that told her that Castle had left the world of the living. Left her for good.

She had lost hope. Not being able to see him every day, not able to sit there by his side while he fought his illness had made it so she had no expectation that he would live. She knew that any hope at all would just lead to further disappointment, pain and devastation when the inevitable conclusion to the story was written.

There was no hope, no future without Castle in her life. She knew that now.

xxxx

**a.n.2. So I know it's short, but it's a good place to end it. The next chapter should be a good one with much more interaction between CB than this one. We're coming up on the conclusion of this story (two or three more chapters at the most). So let me know what you think!**

**M**


	9. Chapter 9

**a.n. Again sorry for the delay. Sometimes life sucks donkey balls.**

**This chapter we see the sun. Finally. Also, Kate is a bit OOC here, or at least I think so, as she is more emotionally open than she has been so far. I also think that she'd be this way because of her relief and happiness over the news she receives in the first paragraph of the chapter. Castle is just being Castle.**

**I've taken some liberties with the cancer treatment and outcomes in this chapter. I am smart enough to know (after having done some research) that cancer just doesn't up and go away. But this is fiction, so I've used some creative license to spare you from the details. Remember this is about their relationship and not his cancer treatment. I will again point you towards the American Cancer Society website cancer – org, where you can find more information on the real outcomes of cancer treatments. **

**Also, because of the delays in updating on this and my other fics, you should follow me on Tumblr (link on my profile). There you'll be able to be updated on when new content will be uploaded as well as have more information on when and why there are delays. I also post exclusive one shots there that don't show up on my FFNET feed. **

**Disclaimers apply.**

**xxxx**

He was going to be okay. _He's cancer free!_ The thought kept rolling around her mind over and over. Despite not being able to be there for him, the news that Castle's battle with cancer was finally over, made Kate smile and laugh for the first time in months. She knew that even if he could never forgive her, he would still be living.

Alexis had called her after she and her dad had arrived back home to give Kate the good news.

"_I think you might hear from him soon," Alexis had said._

She hoped that was true, but she still didn't think it would happen. More than six months had gone by with nary a word from Castle. That six months of silence while making her extremely depressed also made he angry. She knew that he was mad at her for the way she acted. She knew that she had been a coward and had run away from her feelings, but she also knew that he was doing the same thing.

The only thing that tempered her anger was the fact that he was fighting for his life. She knew that she'd forgive him in a heartbeat if he came back into her life. She also knew that she loved him enough to let him go if that was what he chose to do.

After staring at her phone for several minutes, she decided that she needed to get up from her desk and get some coffee. After Castle had stopped talking to her coffee had lost all meaning to her. Now that she knew he was going to be okay, she was craving some caffeine.

_It's time,_ she thought, _to put my life back together, with or without Castle._

xxxx

_Three days later…_

Kate was bored. They hadn't had a case in over a week, and they were pouring through cold case files. While she recognized the importance of doing that sort of work, but it was tedious and brought back unpleasant memories of her own unsolved cold case.

So she sat staring at the file in front of her, trying to do the work, but she knew she was unsuccessful when she had read the same paragraph three times. She was interrupted by the appearance of a coffee cup being sat on her desk.

"Detective," she heard before she looked up.

She stared up at the blue eyes she had missed for so long, completely shocked at his appearance at the precinct. He had his wig on, but the life and joy was back in his eyes, something that was sorely missing even before they'd had their breakup.

"Castle!" she almost shouted. She jumped out of her seat and grabbed him in a huge hug, not caring on bit about the people surrounding them in the bullpen. She breathed a sigh of relief when she felt his arms come around her to hug her back. "I missed you," she whispered.

"I missed you too," Castle said as he pulled back. "So, do you have a case or can I steal you for lunch?"

"Even if I had a case, I'd still be available," she said, enjoying the look of surprise on his face when he realized that she was putting him in front of her job.

"Remy's?"

"Sure! Just let me grab my stuff and let the Captain know."

xxxx

The first few minutes after they sat down at the table was awkward. Neither one of them really knew what to say.

Kate finally broke the silence. "So, cancer free?"

"Yeah, Doctors were very surprised. They said that patients who have to go through the second round and the second surgery normally have a lower chance of survival. So apparently I beat the odds."

"I'm really glad, Rick. When Alexis told me a few days ago I smiled for the first time in months. It just made me so happy that you're going to be okay."

He smiled and reached across the table to grasp her hand. "Thanks." The conversation paused then while the waitress came over to take their orders.

"I'm sorry," they said at the same time after the waitress had walked away. Kate smirked, happy that they still seemed to be so in sync.

"What are you sorry for, Rick?"

"I shouldn't have shut you out for six months. It was wrong, and I could have used you by my side. I…I was hurt and angry and I lashed out and punished you instead of talking it through. For that I'm sorry."

Kate smiled again while turning her hand over and intertwining their fingers. "I'm sorry too. I know I said it before, but I handled the whole thing badly. I just…I'm not built for this, Rick. After mom died, I shut everything and everyone out, and built these walls around my heart. I swore to myself that I would never willingly put myself in a position where I could get hurt like that again.

"Then you came along and ruined everything. I hated you for it for a long time. I tried to push you away by being with other guys, and it didn't work. When you told me you had cancer it was like my world came crashing down. I knew then that I loved you and that I didn't want to live in a world where you weren't living." She took a breath and tried to collect her thoughts. With her free hand she unconsciously wiped away the tears that had started to fall down her cheeks. "But I was still scared. I was scared of loving you and losing you. I was scared that I wasn't worthy of your love. I was just scared.

"When I get scared about these sort of things I run away. So when you told me that you loved me, I couldn't say it back. I panicked and left. It was wrong and it was cowardly, and I'm so sorry. I do love you. More than I ever thought possible." She was openly crying now, her breaths coming in shallow gasps.

They sat there in silence for several moments, just holding each other's hands. Finally Castle said, "I forgive you, Kate. I had a lot of time to think about what happened, and I came to the conclusion that we were both at fault. Yes you didn't handle it the best way and that hurt, but I shouldn't have dumped that on you right then either. But I panicked. When they told me the cancer was still there I just wanted you to know.

"If I'm being honest with myself, I should have told you long before that. But I guess I was scared too."

The waitress stopping by with their meals interrupted their conversation. They ate in silence for several minutes, both lost in their own thoughts.

After taking a sip of her strawberry shake, Kate asked, "so what now?"

Rick smiled. "What do you want to happen now?"

Kate lunged across the table and kissed him hard, spilling both of their shakes and layering her blouse in their lunch. She didn't care. She loved him and dammit she was going to show him if it was the last thing she ever did.

Pulling back, still ignoring the mess she made of everything, she said, "I think you should take me on a date."

xxxx

**a.n.2. So I know it's short, but it's a good ending. My original plan was one more chapter and then an epilogue, but I think I'm going to try to do some fluff for once in my life and write their date out, and then do a couple more chapters after that. **

**Let me know how you liked it by leaving a review.**


	10. Chapter 10

**a.n. As I said in one of my other stories, my update schedule should be getting back to normal, at least once a week for my scheduled stories. For those stories that I don't have an update schedule for, it might be a monthly sort of thing until I get life into a more structured little box.**

**Now that we're out of the major angst of this story, we're going to look for some fluff. If you follow my stories, you'll know that this is not my forte. So, this chapter is as close as it's going to get for me. Some authors can do that mushy shit, but I think that their first date would go more like this, given what they've been through in this AU. **

**Disclaimer: I own Castle. *looks away towards the voice behind me and says* "What's that? I don't own Castle?" Oh. Right. I don't own Castle. Damn.**

**xxxx**

They went to a little Italian restaurant for their date. At first Kate was shocked, because she expected something big and grand from Castle, but then she realized that big and flashy wasn't really him. The restaurant was tucked in between two older buildings, and was plainly family owned. The tables had the stereotypical red and white checkered table cloths, and their waiter even had a real Italian accent. Kate loved it.

"This place is amazing, Rick," she said, looking over the menu.

"Yeah, I've loved this place ever since I was a little boy. Mama Maria, who opened this back in the 30s, was still around back then. She doted on me like I was her own. I spent quite a bit of time here while Mother was off in plays since we lived right around the corner." He picked up his own menu.

"Did you bring your friends and girlfriends here?" she asked curiously.

"No. I really didn't have any friends, and my first girlfriend didn't come until college. I was, believe it or not, a nerdy loner. It didn't really help me catch the eyes of the fairer sex."

"Well at least you're still a little bit of a nerd," she joked.

"A little bit," he said, smirking.

"Well I was trying to be nice."

He snorted, "Sure. Don't make me remind you that I know for a fact that you have a comic book collection."

"Okay, so I'm a bit of a nerd too." The waiter came back to take their order, then retreated leaving the couple to get back to their conversation. "What are you going to do about your writing?"

"Well I have two options. I can bring Rook back from the dead, or I can come up with a new character."

"With the way Rook died, that'd be hard wouldn't it?" she asked, even though she hoped that he would still be writing about Nikki Heat.

"Maybe. I guess I haven't really given it much thought. It's been a week and half since I got the all clear, and I guess it's still sinking in that I actually have a future. I'm leaning towards a new character though. I have a good idea for a new series, but it'd take some research."

Kate fell ice grow in her stomach. If he was looking at writing about something other than her would he still want her in his life? Would he come back to the precinct? And what sort of research? Did he already have a new muse? Her insecurities nearly drowned her as she sat there looking across at the man she had come to love more than life itself.

"Research?" she whispered.

"Yeah. I know a lot of the crime stuff already, thanks to shadowing you, but this idea is set outside of official law enforcement and deals with a pair of P.I.s set 500 years from now in Chicago. So I need to find out more about the PI life, and do some research on science to make what I have planned at least a little believable." He had apparently not noticed the color drain out of her face when he mentioned this new idea.

She had to know what this meant for them. "What about your research with me?"

He smiled, "I'm coming back to the precinct if I can, Kate. I've talked to Gates and she doesn't have a problem with it as long as, and I quote 'you don't fuck with my precinct, and you obey my rules, Mr. Castle'. I didn't even have to call the mayor. I just went in and told her that I enjoyed helping the department, and that I was willing to volunteer my time. It took some convincing, but I'll be back next month. I have to work on getting my strength back before I can follow you into the field."

Kate let out the breath she had been holding. She should have known that he wasn't going to leave her.

He started again, "I'll probably do some prequel works for Nikki. And I might do one where it's just her, dealing with Rook's demise and finishing her mother's case. I have a meeting in a couple weeks with Gina and Paula to sort out what's next."

"I'm glad you've got a plan. I love your writing, and I'd hate to see what happened take that away from you."

"Thanks," he said, reaching across the table and grasping her hand. "So what about you? How's work? I haven't really heard much from the boys in the last six months."

Kate blushed and pulled her hand away, not really wanting to tell him about how she had acted in his absence. "I…uh…didn't handle the situation with you very well. I got suspended twice, and kinda distanced myself from the boys and Lanie."

"Oh, Kate, I'm sorry. I-"

"Not your fault," Kate said, reaching over and squeezing his hand. "It was mine, but that was probably why you haven't heard much from the boys over the last six months."

"Everything okay now?"

"Yeah. It'll take some time to get back to normal, especially once you come back."

"I miss it a lot. Don't get me wrong, I love writing, but helping you makes me feel useful for the first time in my life, if you know what I mean."

"Rick, don't ever think that your writing doesn't matter. It…it saved my life once upon a time."

He raised an eyebrow at her in question. "It did?"

Looking down at their intertwined hands, she said, "Yeah. When my mom died, I was lost. My dad had abandoned me, and I was trying to figure out what to do with school, and I missed her so much. I admit that I contemplated ending it all a couple times right after her murder," at this Castle looked shocked, so she hurriedly continued, "what saved me, Rick, was your writing. I found one of your novels amongst her things, and read it cover to cover in one day. Reread it again the next day, then found the rest of your books. I've read everything you've ever written. So don't sell your writing short, it's very important."

She finally looked up and saw the tears forming in his eyes. "I…thank you, Kate. That may be the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. Wow," he said, his voice breaking. He cleared his voice and tried to change the subject to something less emotionally compromising, "So when you were at work, any fascinating cases? Any weird ones?"

She laughed, grateful to move on to something more comfortable. "A couple months back we had one where the killer ended up being a guy pretending to be James Bond."

"Really, tell me about it," he said, the sparkle in his eyes undeniable.

So she did. They spent the next two hours talking and eating, renewing the comfortable banter that had become a trademark of their relationship. They were just finishing desert when Castle asked her, "Kate, I've had a wonderful time tonight, and I hope we can do it again. I…uh…have a question to ask."

"It's okay, Rick, you won't scare me away. What did you need to ask?" While the words were true, she couldn't deny that she was suddenly very nervous about the direction of their conversation.

"Where do you see us in five years? I know the first date isn't the greatest time for the 'where are we going' conversation, but I don't want to ruin this. This is it for me. We've both been through so much, and we both deserve to know what this is. I'll…I'll understand if you don't have an answer, and I won't pressure you or walk away, but I'd like to know."

"Rick, I…I don't, I don't have an answer for you, not really."

He looked disappointed, even if he tried to hide it. "That's okay, Kate. I didn't figure you'd be able to answer, but I had to ask."

"Does it matter?" Kate blurted out, knowing immediately it was the wrong thing to say. "I mean, can't we just take it a day at a time?"

"Of course, we can, Kate," he smiled, but she saw that it didn't reach his eyes. "It's just that I'd hoped…no, it doesn't matter. Listen, we're only a few blocks from your place, let's walk off some of this food. God knows I could use the exercise after the last few months of not doing any."

They got up and walked out of the restaurant after Rick had paid the check. Kate wanted to take his hand, but now that she'd screwed something up she wasn't sure she should. _Why couldn't I just answer him? Dammit, Kate, will you ever stop hurting him?_

As they started walking, Kate stopped suddenly and asked, "What were you hoping for Rick?"

"Huh?" he asked, stopping beside her.

"When you asked me the question a few minutes, ago, you then said you were just hoping for something, but you didn't finish. Please tell me."

He frowned and shook his head, "It doesn't matter, Kate. You were right, we'll just take it a day at a time. I don't want to push you. I shouldn't even have asked the question."

"Please?" she begged. She knew she had to fix this, for him. For them.

He took her hand and started to walk again. "I've been married twice before, but I've only been in love twice. Once with Kyra, once with you. I don't regret my time with Meredith as she gave me Alexis, but I knew it wasn't love when I found her cheating on me in our bed and I didn't care. All I cared about at that point was raising our daughter, and that is what prompted me to end the marriage. If she could do that, while ignoring our daughter who was crying upstairs, then I didn't want her to be a part of Alexis' life.

"I do regret my marriage to Gina. It was more a marriage of convenience than anything else, a business transaction. Once we were married, we fought constantly. It ended after only a year, when we decided that our professional relationship was more important than our personal one." He sighed, and then looked over at her. "I asked you that question tonight of all nights, not to put pressure on you, but to find out if this is real for you, as it is real for me. I…needed to know what this is for you. I mean am I like Demming and Josh, just another man to be with until you get sick of me? One foot out the door? Or is it more?

"I've already been in two failed marriages. I won't be a part of a third."

Kate was shocked. He had just poured his soul out to her, and now she understood why he had asked her the question. And she hadn't given him the answer. The obvious answer. She knew he was her one and done. She knew it. But she was still scared. Deciding to fix this instead of letting it fester, or worse running away, as she might have done six months ago, she pulled them to a stop again and said, "I love you, Richard Castle, and I mean it. You are it for me. One and done, remember? Sure I don't know where we'll be in five years, but I know where I _want_ us to be. I imagine marriage. A stable one where we're both really happy. Sure we fight and argue, and I threaten to shoot you at least once a day, but we're happy. Maybe we have a couple kids too. But I've never looked into the future with any relationship I've ever had, even before my mother was killed. You're the first for me in that respect, and it scares me a little. But I'm working on it. For you. You are it for me. I love you."

He gave her a huge smiled then placed his free hand on her cheek and kissed her senseless. When they finally pulled apart, they both said, "Wow."

"I love you too, Kate. I'm…uh…sorry for making the end of our date so emotional."

"No. You're right. We should talk about these things. I'm not the most open person in the world. Shut up," she added when he snorted, "but I want to try. I know it's going to take work, but you're worth it. We're worth it."

He smiled at her again, gave her another brief kiss, then started walking again, making their way towards a brighter future together.

xxxx

**a.n.2. So I know that that seems like a good ending for the story, but there is one more real chapter and an epilogue to go. Please leave a review and let me know what you think!**


	11. Chapter 11

**a.n. So this one has a couple time jumps in it, and it wraps up the main story. There will be an epilogue that will follow this.**

**Thanks to everyone who has followed this story and left a review! You're all awesome. I hope that this ending doesn't seem abrupt.**

**Disclaimer: No, I do not own Castle. **

**xxxx**

_Eight Months Later…_

She couldn't believe she had moved in. She had been here a month now, and she still couldn't believe it. She had never lived with anyone other than her parents before, so it had taken a while to be comfortable with the idea of living not only with Castle, but his daughter and his mother. But he had talked her into it. It wasn't as if she ever spent any time at her apartment anyways.

After their first date, things had gone much more smoothly than she had expected. A month after that date he had come back to the precinct part time, and had worked up to where he had been before the cancer diagnosis. They just fit together in so many ways, and while they squabbled like any couple, they always solved it quickly.

They'd taken things slowly, not jumping into the physical aspect of their relationship until they saw their three month anniversary. That night would be one she would remember for the rest of her life. To say the man was talented was an understatement to say the least. After that things picked up, and they rarely spent a night apart.

The only dark spot had come when her mom's case had cropped up again with the reappearance of the sniper that had taken a shot at them at Montgomery's funeral. Castle had tried to talk her out of diving back into the case, but she hadn't listened and had almost died. It had taken Rick several weeks to forgive her for that stunt, and even now she knew he didn't really trust her to use her head when it came to that particular case. Not that she could blame him.

Now she was moved in, and she knew what was coming next. She'd been officially at the loft for a month now and she knew that Castle wasn't going to dawdle when it came to taking the next step. If she was being completely honest with herself, she didn't want him to. She was ready.

She just didn't know when the proposal would come. Every time he took her out to dinner, she'd expect him to pop the question, but he didn't. She didn't know if she was reading too much into it, or if perhaps she hadn't read the signals right, but she just knew sometime soon he would pop the question. At least she hoped her would.

So she sat on the couch stewing over his delaying tactics on one of her rare days off. Her thoughts were interrupted by Alexis who sat down next to her. Castle was off talking to his publisher who was going to be publishing his almost completed sci-fi crime novel.

"Hey, Kate," Alexis said, pulling a book out of the backpack she had brought with her.

"Hey, Alexis," Kate said, looking over at the young redhead. Their relationship remained frosty, though it had thawed somewhat in the last couple months. Alexis had just started at Columbia, and wasn't around as often, so their interactions were a bit limited.

"I'm glad you're here for him now, Kate."

Turning on the couch to face the girl, Kate said, "I am too. I wasn't always there, but I will be from now on."

"I really hated you there for a while. But…I see that you're good for him and that you've changed."

Kate didn't really know what to say about that, but she knew that this might be a good chance to start to become closer to the girl. "I've tried hard to do that. For him. For you too. I know you and I aren't close, but I'd like us to be. Friends at least. You didn't have much support outside your dad and grandma during your dad's illness. I should have been there for you too. I'm sorry for that."

Alexis studied her for several minutes. When the silence was becoming a little uncomfortable, she said, "I forgive you."

After that the mood lightened considerably and they talked about Alexis' college schedule, the books she was reading and her friends. Kate marveled at how intelligent and mature the young Castle was. The woman had her life in order much more than Kate did at that age.

During a lull in the conversation, Alexis pulled her backpack into her lap and then pulled out an envelope. "Kate, Dad said to give this to you."

Scowling, Kate took the envelope and asked, "What is it?"

Alexis smiled, "Not telling."

Frowning more, Kate opened it and pulled out a single sheet of paper. It was a letter.

_Dearest Kate,_

_If you're reading this then it is time. Alexis has held onto this letter since you and I got together, and it was her choice as to when to give it to you. She is the greatest gift that I ever received and has been the most important person in my life for the longest time. Now that she's going to have to share that title, I thought it only right that she get a voice in the future of the Castle family._

_I also knew that during my Cancer adventure, you girls weren't on the best of terms. She is very protective of me. Sometimes I wonder who the adult in our relationship is. (Don't answer that.) By doing it this way, I'll know that the two most important women in my life are at least getting along, and that she approves._

_Now, on to the point of this letter. You are an amazing woman, Kate, and I love you more than life itself. I want to spend the rest of my life unraveling the mystery that is Kate Beckett. You're the first person I want to see when I wake in the morning, and the last I want to see when I go to bed at night. I could go on, but you know how I abhor cliché, so I'll just ask the question. Will you marry me?_

_I'm doing it this way because it's so unusual. If I know you, and I like to think that I do, you'll be wondering how I'll propose. Bet you never guessed it would come from a letter delivered by Alexis, did you?_

_If your answer is yes, go into my office and open the drawer on the top right of my desk. There you'll find the ring that will adorn your finger for the rest of your life. I'm sure you'll find some cruel yet ingenious plan to let me know what your answer is. We both know how much you enjoy torturing me._

_If your answer is no, find your gun and shoot me. Failing that, let me know why and maybe I can help persuade you to change your mind. _

_I love you Kate Beckett, and I hope that you're as ready to start our future together as I am._

_Love always,_

_Rick_

By the time she got to the end of the letter, Kate had trouble making out the words. That idiotic, sweet man of hers had proposed to her when they had first got together. She just hadn't known about it. He had let Alexis decide when the time was right. _Wow,_ she thought, wiping the tears away from her eyes and looking over at the young woman beside her.

Alexis was smiling at her. "So?"

"Just a second," Kate said, getting up and dashing into Rick's office. She pulled open the drawer, extracted the ring box she found there, and ran back into the living room. Sitting back beside her soon-to-be-stepdaughter, Kate opened the box. Inside sat the most stunning yet understated engagement ring she had ever seen. It wasn't huge, yet it was just so _her_ that her breath caught and she found tears clouding her vision again. It was beautiful. Shakily, she took it out of the box and put it on her left ring finger.

Looking back up at Alexis, she was surprised to find Castle's daughter had tears in her eyes as well. Kate leaned forward and hugged her. This was right. This was where she belonged. She, Alexis and the love of her life Rick Castle together. Forever.

xxxx

_Five years later…_

"So?" Kate Castle asked as her husband of four years came out of the doctor's office.

"Officially in remission!" Castle said, a wide smile gracing his handsome face. "Doctor says I'm healthy as an ox. Of course when he said that I threatened to get a new doctor. Damn clichés."

Kate laughed. The last five years had been the best years of her life. She had gotten married to an amazing man she wanted to spend the rest of her life with. She, along with that man, had solved her mother's case. She had gotten promoted to Captain and now ran her own precinct. And she had given birth to two amazing boys, John and James. And now they had confirmation that Castle was still cancer free.

Kate couldn't be any happier.

xxxx

**a.n.2. Only the epilogue to go folks. I hope you liked this one. I know that the proposal was unusual, but I wanted to find a way to get Kate and Alexis closer. This seemed like a good way to do it, and also seemed like something Castle would do. **

**Also, just so you know, the reason for the five years later bit, it is standard for a cancer survivor to get a five year checkup. Usually after that point, according to my research, the cancer is usually gone for good, meaning the patient doesn't have to go to the doctor as often.**

**Leave a review!**


	12. Epilogue

**Epilogue**

_42 Years Later…_

They'd had a great life. They had four children who had given them 14 grandchildren. Kate sat by Castle's bedside, where he spent most of his time nowadays. He had been bed ridden for the last year as his health continued to deteriorate. The doctors told them that he could be gone at any moment. So she sat by his bed, reflecting on their life together.

They had married and had their first child within a year of him proposing to her. Kate had been promoted to Captain and later Deputy Police Commissioner before running for the New York State Senate, where she served for seven terms.

Castle had written eight highly successful science fiction crime novels along with several books with Nikki Heat. He had also started to write some serious literature which led to him winning several prestigious awards.

They'd had a great life. They'd moved from the loft into a huge house located in one of New York City's most prestigious neighborhoods after their third child was born. Now their lives were coming to a close. Kate's heath was also deteriorating quickly, though she was still able to get up and move around.

Kate had many regrets, but she knew that starting a relationship and a family with Castle wasn't one of them. Over the years she had often regretted not starting up with him sooner. She hated that it had taken him almost dying for her to see that she loved him more than life. She loved him, and she always would.

"Kate," he whispered, bringing her out of her thoughts.

She leaned forward and brushed his gray hair out of his eyes. "How are you feeling, Rick," she asked softly.

He gave her a weak smile, "I'm good. Thank you, Kate."

She frowned at him, "For what, babe?"

"For being here. For our _always_. You kept me fighting, living every day even through the hard times. I love you."

Ignoring the tears in her eyes, "I love you too."

He gripped her hand in his and closed his eyes. "I'm so tired. So tired…"

"Go to sleep, babe, I'll be here when you wake up." He smiled, raised their clasped hands to his lips and pressed them to her hand.

Kate sat there for several hours watching her husband sleep. She loved this man, and she didn't know what she would do when he was gone. She didn't know if she could live without him. She didn't know if she _wanted_ to live without him.

She felt the grip he had on her hand slacken. She looked at him and realized that his chest was no longer moving.

"Rick?" She grasped his shoulders and shook him gently. He didn't respond. Crying, she felt for a pulse. "No! NO!" She had been prepared. She knew he was going to die. Now that he was gone, she couldn't think. She crawled up onto the bed and curled herself around him, sobbing, not wanting to let go. Never wanting to let go. She wouldn't let go.

It was several hours later when their oldest son John came into their room and found his parents, neither of them breathing. Holding back his tears, he walked back to where his family waited in the living room to let them know that his mom and dad had passed on to the next great adventure. Together. Always.

xxxx

**a.n. Sorry that I didn't warn you about that. This is the way I think we all want to go out: knowing we're loved, knowing that we've had a great life, and knowing that we're not alone. **

**That's it for this story. I hope you liked it! Please leave a review and let me know what you thought about the ending.**

**Disclaimer: no I don't not own Castle. **


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